Cinco De Macho

Those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning know Cinco de Macho is the holiday of the year. This year, Macho went all out. He spared no expense. His clothes, hair, and attitude was perfect. He couldn't tell you what he did, but he can tell you whatever it was totally rocked.

This afternoon Macho stumbled home. His mother was furious. His father wanted to know where he had been. After being confronted by his parents he said, "Lets talk Tuesday," as he laid down in his bed. Hard to argue with that.

More Snow Macho

Macho thought he looked pretty bad-ass in the snow so he wanted me to put some more pictures up. The lab in the background is his boy Moose. They form a wanna be Milo and Otis pair. Guess who's the cat?

Wild Macho

Macho sure is sorry he hasn't rapped at ya'll in a while. He's had a grueling calendar lately that hasn't let him update his fans. Most of his time has been eaten up by his new found desire to explore the unknown. He's been making frequent trips to the Russian wilderness to study the rare Siberian Snow Leopards. Shortly after this picture was taken, Macho wrestled down one such leopard while in full sprint. He painlessly rendered the beast unconscious, tagged her, and then used the smelling salts he was carrying to wake her up. He said he named her "Kuboroma," which is the Swahili word for snore. Now if we could only get him to learn how to sit.

Grandparenting Macho

It is very difficult for a grandparent not to like their grandchild. Very difficult. You can poop in their rented house. You can bite their legs while they try to put on their shoes. You can look bored when they read to you. You can look bored when they make you go wine tasting. All of these things will not stop the grandparents from loving you. Especially when you have a massive underbite.

Parking Macho

Macho didn't always like the park. Until recently Macho would get bored if the park was full of "ball dogs." You know the type, the uppity dogs whose only wish is to fetch it's master's balls. As you may have guessed, Macho is not a "ball dog."

Until recently, the "ball dogs" did not give Macho the time of day. When he would want to play, the "ball dogs" would just growl at him. The "ball dogs" dismissed Macho as weak for not sharing in their "ball dog" games. Big mistake.

Macho has now developed the habit of waiting for a "ball dog" to secure the ball, then sprint towards the "ball dog," and launch himself at the "ball dog" like a NFL linebacker on PCP. The force of the collision is fierce. Ball is dislodged from "ball dog." "Ball dog" gets up startled. Macho calmly continues his business, which does not include picking up the ball.

To the left, you can see Macho's disappointment when he sees some "ball dogs" coming to the park just as its time to leave. After this picture, Macho told me that, "those "ball dogs" got some bark, but not much bite." I'm guessing you'll meet a lot of dogs like that Macho.

Six Month Macho

Macho turned six months (42 months in people time) old on Sunday. You can see how much he's grown in the time we've had him.

We had a little party for him. The party was a "Back to the Future" themed party. Macho dressed up like Biff Tanner and kept saying, "MCFLY....HELLO!!!" It got kinda old after an hour or so.

Anyway I asked Macho if he was into "Back to the Future" because he was suffering from a little childhood nostalgia now that he's becoming a big boy. He told me to, "Make like a tree and leave." He was so much sweeter when he was a baby.

Neutered Macho

Macho: What the hell!!! I wouldn't wish what you did to me on my worst enemy. I can't believe you did that.

Me: Ok, I'm sorry you're upset, but this was the right decision. You're Mom and I decided that we don't want you having puppies with any random dogs. Its a city, you could get diseases.

Macho: Great, thanks for that. Next time I'm in the park with my buddies, I'll tell them I have no nuts because my parents don't want me to get diseases. That won't get me humped.

Me: Now you're being dramatic. Its really not a big deal. This happens to dogs all the time and you are a dog. Get used to it.

Macho: Yeah, I'm a dog with no nuts who got betrayed by his Dad. What Dad would cut his own son's balls off? That's old testament stuff right there.

Me: .....

New World Order

Brother's fight. That's part of the deal. Macho has now started becoming more aggressive with his adopted brother Hank. As Macho has become more assertive, Hank has taken issue. His efforts to control Macho through his strict sense of German discipline have failed. As you can see, Macho exposed Hank's wig pontytail and non-Asian heritage. There is a new world order on De Haro St.

Magnum Macho

Sorry its been a while since I rapped at ya'll. Things here with Macho have been wild. As you can see to the left Macho got his first car. Its a 2008 Dodge Magnum, the crown jewel of American automotive engineering. As a parent you are nervous when your dog starts driving but you hope the lessons in the parking lot pay off. Macho's problem, as you may have guessed, is fast driving and deep bass. Last week I found a pink spiked collar and an empty bottle of Courvoisier in the Magnum. When pressed about it Macho said, "Well what did you think was gonna happen when you give Macho Man a Magnum." Touche Macho.

Macho Ladies

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but Macho's been really bummed out. The cold San Francisco summers are just dragging him down. He had to get out of town to get away from his crazy city life. He needed to just slow down and enjoy life.

This weekend Macho snuck out of the city to his country house for some clean, country, living. Macho laid by the pool, drank some beers, and shocked everyone with his bocce ball skills. There are few guarantees in life, but Macho will whoop your ass at bocce. Believe that.

Grieving Macho

Yesterday, we had a service for Macho's brother Randy. By service I mean viking funeral. Laura made a sarcophagus fit for an Egyptian pharaoh. Jaybird picked an algae filled pond that was the same color as Randy. I put the pyre on the water and we all sent Randy home. Macho was really bent out of shape. He's really too young to deal with mortality. Later, he got over it and we took these pictures.

Rest in Peace Randy Watson

On June 9, 2010, a host of golden crickets descended from heaven to escort Randy "Robichek" Watson to his eternal home. His friends and family will remember him as loyal, heroic, and extremely good at playing hide and go seek. With yogie like flexibility, he inspired those around him to reach to new heights. His focus on those delicious crickets helped us remember to appreciate the little things in life. He looked like a dinosaur, which is totally awesome.

Randy Watson is survived by his "biological" mother and father, Katie and Olaf Gormsen, his adopted mother and father, Laura and Hunter Sims. He leaves behind a godfather, Jaybird Denny, a godmother, Ayesha Menon, and millions of fans across the globe.

Beaching Macho

Macho celebrated Memorial Day by going to the beach for the first time. He was loving it: eating sand, playing in the surf, and spending time in the green room. At some point during the trip, Macho was confronted by a "local" dog named Orca who told Macho to stay off her beach. Macho, quoting the great Johnny Utah, told Orca, "Okay. I get it. This is where you tell me that "locals rule", and that Yuppie insects like me shouldn't be surfing the break, right?" Poor Orca had no way to prepare for what came next. Needless to say, Macho ended up on top.

Macho Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uusnPKa88WA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpvlnjAmmTo&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzB76kiy6uM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TiziNvHjmA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvKKTG3r22Q&NR=1

This is our favorite:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp--73tuCHI&feature=related

Cleaning Macho

Many people believe that the ancient Celts trained the bulldog to fight bears, lions, Karl Rove, Germans, and Heidi Montag. But that's ridiculous. No one can kill Heidi Montag. The truth is that bulldogs were bred to clean dishes. To the left you can see over 1000 years of ingrained behavior at work.

Intellectual Macho

Anyone who knows anything about bulldogs knows this, they are the smartest dogs in the history of K-9's. Clearly, Macho is a cut above in this regard. Last night Macho recited the entire number Pi from memory while farting the Star Spangled Banner. It is truly a beauty to behold. Its amazing enough that he knows that he's a US citizen, but its unbelievable that he knows enough of his personal history to be able to "sing" the national anthem. I mean look at this picture. How freaking smart does he look? The answer is "very."

Developing Macho

Macho is a ladies man. We are not sure who he got this from as his dad is clearly not a ladies man. Nevertheless, Macho already has several girlfriends. He expresses his affection through a semi-humping motion typically on the leg or arm. To the left you can see Macho in a lighter moment with Jane, his "steady." Don't mention to Jane's mother that she is dating a dog. Apparently she thinks Macho is too young to be dating.

Hello Trouble

Come on in.....The problem with a puppy on the mend is this: he's too "sick" to go outside for a walk or puppy class, but not sick enough to bite the ever living crap out of you. This means that when Macho's dad comes home from work, Macho lets loose about 4 hours of energy from being cooped up in his crate. This results in pain, lots of pain. Macho has put about 18 holes in his dad's feet, ankles, hands, arms, and face. In fact, at work today one of Macho's dad's colleges asked what happened to his face. To which he replied, "Macho bite." Trouble comes in many forms, but in my neighborhood it only comes in Macho.

Mending Macho

I hope everyone will be pleased that Macho appears to be on the mend. He's started eating again and continues to pee despite not drinking. His energy level is back to normal levels, which is not very good news for our suit pants and ankles. All and all we're very happy to have our little man out of the woods. Hank, however, is becoming jealous of all the attention Macho has been getting. Hank could be taking a swan dive off our roof soon.

Healing Macho

Its been a long couple of days for our man Macho. On Thursday, Macho came down with a bacterial virus that made his digestive system very unhappy. Late last night, Macho developed a case of pneumonia. This latest development is particularly troubling because he is so vulnerable and weak from the bacterial infection. Now he doesn't want to eat or drink water.

His Mom and Dad are very worried about him. But our boy is a tough little guy, and we are confident that he will pull through, but he's been through a lot in the last four days. Here's hoping that Macho is healing.